Learn Partner’s Condiment Preferences Before the Wedding

From time to time, we are asked to offer our advice to help with life’s little issues. When they’re mustard related, we feel more than qualified:

Dear Mrs. Mustard:

My nephew Robert loves mustard, but he is engaged to marry a ketchup-eater. She is from a very prominent family but her condiment habits are really annoying. I know it’s none of my business, but do you think I should say something? The wedding is in August, so time is running out. — Karolynn Mansclave (Rosunda Heights, ME)

DEAR KAROLYNN: When people use ketchup instead of mustard, it’s everyone’s business. How will you feel when the inevitable breakup comes? Then it will really be too late. Research has shown that these mixed marriages are virtually certain to fail. Think of the children!! Yet, I understand your reluctance to interfere directly.

I suggest a secret campaign of gossip and rumors, maybe something totally tacky concerning the young woman’s penchant for posting an overly-flattering profile pic to Facebook that looks nothing like her now? Or, maybe how she’s always that annoying person who delays your flight because she refuses to gate-check her oversized carryon. I mean, what’s she got to hide? Exactly. Wait a minute. I may have a cure. Have they considered getting married at the Mustard Museum? … (Of course we do weddings, check out page 20 of our virtual catalog.)

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