Have you noticed that only certain elements get credit for recognizing various levels of achievement, quality, or support? Whether it be credit cards, software tech support, or club memberships, it’s always the same: Silver, Gold, Platinum, Titanium, and in, some uppity circles, Vanadium.
It’s time to give other elements in the periodic table their due. We have nine different levels of support, all with their special tribute to a chemical element we often take for granted, from which to choose to help make National Mustard Day possible:
$25 — KRYPTON (Kr #36 on the periodic table) — Who doesn’t love krypton, if only because it reminds us of Superman and the glowing green metal that could take away his powers, kryptonite? Curiously, Sir William Ramsay, who discovered krypton in 1898, could neither leap tall buildings in a single bound nor bend steel with his bare hands. (But he could see through clothing.)
$50 — BORON (B #5) — Boron doesn’t look like much but a box of boron is always a welcome housewarming gift. “You boron!” is now a sarcastic term used by adolescent boys to mean “You are a boring moron.”
$100 — DYSPROSIUM (Dy #66) — Useful in impressing your friends simply by knowing how to spell it. It’s a soft silver-looking metal with few other practical uses. Some people like to stir it in their morning cocoa but we don’t recommend it.
$125 — PROTACTINIUM (Pa #91) — Remember having to use a protractor back in junior high? Protactinium is the slimy green stuff that leaked out the end of the cheap protractor your mother bought at the dime store. Considered one of the all-time great gross-out elements.
$150 — NEODYMIUM (Nd #60) — Don’t even bother going online to buy pure neodymium; it does not exist in its pure form, only as part of other substances. A lot like my cousin Roberta. Neodymium compounds rarely fit in standard suitcases but usually travel neatly in fold-up garment bags.
$200 — LINOLEUM — Hah! Fooled you! Linoleum is a floor covering, not an element. We meant GADOLINIUM (Ga #64), the metal that gives whoopee cushions their distinctive sound.
$250 — ANTIMONY (Sb – #51) — Be careful with antimony, it is toxic. Not to be confused with “alimony,” which isn’t so good for you either if you are the alimonier. Maybe a good thing if you are the alimoniee.
$500 — PRASEODYMIUM (Pr #59) — And you thought dysprosium was tough to spell. In 1993, a couple in Bayonne, NJ, named their first child Praseodymium. The kid graduated from Yale at the age of eight. They named their second child Einsteinium (Es #99) and he turned out to be as dumb as wet cardboard. Go figure.
$1,000 — PROMETHIUM (Pm #61) — The top level of support goes to the element named for Prometheus, the Titan who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to humans. He also coined the expression, “What am I, chopped liver?” If you know the story of Prometheus, you’ll catch the irony of that phrase. But he was a very generous Titan.
Seriously, these are the levels of support for National Mustard Day and your name will appear in the official program. Just click below to become a sponsor. We will also send you an eye-popping certificate of appreciation. So chip in and make Mustard Day more than just ELEMENTary. (CLICK HERE TO SPONSOR NMD TODAY)
- Krypton Level – $25 (MD25)
- Boron Level – $50 (MD50)
- Dysprosium Level – $100 (MD100)
- Protactinium Level – $125 (MD125)
- Neodymium Level – $150 (MD150)
- Gadolinium Level – $200 (MD200)
- Antimony Level – $250 (MD250)
- Praseodymium Level – $500 (MD500)
- Promethium Level – $1,000 (MD1000)
(Sponsored by the Chemistry Department at POUPON U)