Nobody can complain about these December greetings…
For retailers, it’s always dicey in December, knowing how to extend appropriate greetings without offending anyone. We don’t want to be accused of waging war on anyone’s holiday so why not let the customer choose his or her own preferred salutation. As you enter the Mustard Museum Gift Shop, you pick up a form with eight possible December greetings. Circle the one you would like to hear and hand it to the clerk when you check out. Here’s what we use (we encourage other businesses to modify these as needed):
(1) Merry Merry Merry Christmas!
(2) Happy Kwaanza!
(3) Happy Hanukkah to you of the Hebrew persuasion.
(4) A lukewarm and not too exciting generic Seasons Greetings to you and yours.
(5) Have a charming little nontheistic solstice celebration, you miserable heathen!
(6) On behalf of George Costanza, have a great Festivus.
(7) May we suggest a stronger deodorant on your next visit?
(8) You think the Curator and Mrs Mustard can live off what you just spent?
And, for those cruising for Condiment Bargains:
Beaver Chinese Mustard 3-Pack $8.00 (BVR102B). Three jars of the Gold Medal Beaver Hot Chinese Mustard for just $8? That’s ridiculous.
Stonewall Kitchen Apricot Mustard Glaze reg. $7.75, SALE $6.75 (STK140). Fruit, tangy, and totally delicious.
Arran Original Mustard reg. $7.75, SALE $5.75 (ARN101). From the Isle of Arran, off the coast of Scotland, this whole seed mustard is full of texture and bite.
Hot Dog & Mustard Tie reg. $18.00, SALE $12.00 (TYE700). Revive the age-old tradition of giving dear old Dad a tie for the Holidays with this Foot Long Hot Dog with Mustard Tie by Ralph Marlin.
Poupon U Toilet Seat reg. $28.00, SALE $18.00 (PPN900). Say no more. But only a few left. Oh, and it’ll fit most standard toilets.